Funny

"Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."

"Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?"

"How young can you die of old age?"

"I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!""

"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it."

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

"I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars.""

"Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac!"

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."

"Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."

"At my age flowers scare me."

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."

"Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done."