Funny Joke Site: Jokes

Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts

Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts

Jokes :)

Quote of the Day
Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Young Amanpreet never quite got over his miserable
childhood as an orphan in the ghetto. When he turned 18 he joined the Marines, but old habits die hard and one night the sergeant found him rummaging around the garbage and eating out of the discarded cans and jars.
"On your free, Lizard Pecker," he bellowed. "You'll eat in
the message hall - you're no better than the rest of us!"

I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she'd solved the problem by turning off the lights.
A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."

Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the Star of David but drop money in the other guy’s hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, "Don't you realize that this is a Christian country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."
The guy holding the Star of David then turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, "Hymie, look who's trying to teach us Marketing."

Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride, from Dayton, Ohio, to Washington, DC. A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each grandson a bag.
The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?" replied the curious brother "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

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Jokes :)

Quote of the Day
The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Three construction workers were down town working on a high-rise. A black guy, a Mexican, and a Polish guy. Come lunch time, the three sit down together on a beam and open their lunchboxes. The black guy opens his box and finds chicken wings and grits. "Man, I hate this crap. I've been eating this stuff since I was a kid."
The Mexican opens his box and finds burritos and rice. "Me too man. I've had to eat this sh.t since I was little too."
The Polish guy opens his box and finds a PB&J sandwich. "I'm with you guys. I've been eating this stuff for way too long."
A week later, the three workers were up on the 30th floor. Come lucnch time, the three sit down together on the beam and open thier lunchboxes. The black guy opens his, and sure enough, chicken wings and grits. "Son of a bi..h. I swear, if I get this crap one more time, I'm jumping."
The Mexican opens his box, and there it is, burritos and rice. "Me too man. I'm sick of this crap. If I get this crap again, I'm jumping too."
The Polish guy opens his box, and sure enough, a PB&J sandwich. "I'm with you guys. If I get another one of these damn sandwiches, I'm jumping with you two."
A week passes, and the three are working on the 50th floor. Lunch time comes, and the three sit down together. The black guy opens his box, sees the chicken wings and grits. Standing up, he says goodbye to his friends and jumps to his death.
The Mexican opens his box, and sure enough, burritos and rice. Saying goodbye to his friend, he too, jumps to his death.
The Polish guy opens his box, sees the PB&J sandwich, and jumps to his death as well.
A few days later at the funeral, the wives of the three workers were standing around and condoling each other. "I just don't get." the black guy's wife said. "He never told me he didn't like chicken wings or grits."
"I know," the Mexican's wife said. "He never told me about the burritos or rice. I would have gladly made him something else."
As the two talked, they noticed that the Polish guy's wife was still crying her eyes out. "There, there, dear. It'll be alright." they said to her.
"I-I just don't understand it," she cried. "I mean, each day he made his own damn lunch."

Dear Heavenly Father,
I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. Praise Your Name! I'm grateful for Your grace...
But Lord, a few minutes from now, I'm getting out of bed... From then on I'm going to need a lot MORE of Your help!

Little Emily ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.
"What's wrong, dear?" asked her father.
"My doll! Billy broke it!" she sobbed.
"How did he break it, Emily?"
"I hit him over the head with it."

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Jokes :)

Quote of the Day
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

A judge scowled down at a repeat offender before him. "Haven't I seen you in here many times already? And didn't I tell you that I never wanted to see you in here again?"
"Yes, Your Honor," the defendant replied. "That's exactly what I told the police officer, but he insisted I come in
anyway!"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

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Jokes :)

Quote of the Day
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Publix grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden camera and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT PUBLIX!".

A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. He gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there.
A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and
decides to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He, too, falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but the mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sitting there and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get out. The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the shoulder and tells him, "You'll never get out!".
He did.

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!".
The cop said, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"

Jokes :)

Quote of the Day
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.

Two farmers were driving their tractor down the middle of a country road. A car comes around the corner backs hard to avoid them, skids, tumbles twice and lands in a field. Jimmy say to Eamonn, "It's just as well we got out of that field."

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'"

Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh Marie," she said to her maid, "I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."
"I don't believe it for one minute !" Marie snapped."You're just saying that to make me jealous !!!"

Jokes :)

Quote of the Day
Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

Mrs.O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father Rafferty. "Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs.O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?" She replied "That you did Father."
The priest asked, "And are there any little ones yet?" "No, not yet Father," said she.
"Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."
"Thank you, Father." And away she went.
A few years later they met again. "Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"
"Oh, very well," said she.
"And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?" "Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all."
"Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?"
"Oh," she said, "he's gone to Rome. To blow out the damn candle!"

A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash. She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk rolls around, leans over, and splat! He pukes all over the dog. The drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of vomit, and slurs, "I don't remember eating that!"

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" one young man blurted out.
"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"
The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps certain people out of medical school."

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster, one that could service all of his many hens. He told this to the market vendor. The vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Dom back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Dom a little pep talk.
"Dom", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff."
And without a word Dom strutted into the henhouse. Dom was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Dom had finished having his way with each hen. But Dom didn't stop there. He went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Dom,you'll kill yourself."
But Dom continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Dom lying there n his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Dom. The farmer walked up to Dom saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy."
"Shhhhh," Dom whispered. "The buzzard's getting closer."

Homework Excuses

1. Last night I got temporary amnesia and I totally forgot!
2. My older sister couldn't find her same homework from last year.
3. The dog did it for me, but it was in his language.
4. The paper airplane I made out of it accidentally flew out the window.
5. I fell asleep on it and when I woke up all my drool smudged all the ink.
6. It is here it's just in invisible ink!
7. Satan told me not to do it!
8. I'm at school?!?!? I thought this was an AA meeting.
9. My dad's pen ran out of ink.
10. My Mom ate my homework!

Jokes :)

Quote of the Day
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied, "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

The farmer and his wife had worked hard, they scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large mustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.
On the back of the photo he scrawled, "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"
Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"

Seamus was walking along the coast of Galway early one morning with a bit of a sore head when he tripped over something in the sand. Reaching down, he picked up a lamp and starting rubbing it. There was a huge crack of thunder, an awesome amount of smoke, and lo and behold, a genie appeared.
"Mornin' boyo," said the genie. "For releasing me from two thousand years of bondage, I'll be grantin' ya three wishes."
"Isn't this grand," said Seamus. "Can I have a pint of Guinness?"
"Sure of course ye can," said the genie. And poof! a pint appeared in Seamus's hand. Seamus starting sipping away at the pint. "For the love o' Jaysus, this has to be the best pint I've ever been tasting."
"Of course it is," said the genie. "I'm an Irish genie, after all, and I do know a bit about pints. Now, let's get on with business. You've got two more wishes left, and I haven't got all day!"
"Now just be bidin' yer time," said Seamus. "I want to enjoy me pint."
"Ah," said the genie. "That's a magic pint."
"And what do ye be meanin' by that?" asked Seamus.
"Well," said the genie, "as soon as it's done, it'll fill right back up again just as good as the first."
"Is that so," said Seamus, finishing off the pint. Sure enough, back up it came, and when he tasted it, it really was every bit as good.
"Now," said the genie, "about those other two wishes?"
"Ah," said Seamus, "I'll have two more o' these!"

Funny

"Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."

"Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?"

"How young can you die of old age?"

"I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!""

"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it."

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

"I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars.""

"Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac!"

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."

"Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."

"At my age flowers scare me."

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."

"Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done."

Jokes :)

Quote of the Day
Killing time murders opportunities.

The Devil tells a salesman, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived."
"Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?"
The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."
"Wait a minute," the salesman says cautiously, "What's the catch?"

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith.
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

The teacher came up with a good problem. "Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"
"None," answered little Norman.
"None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic."
"Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

Jokes :)

Quote of the Day
If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.

A girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted. The officer who answered the phone, asked, "When did this happen?"
She replied, "Last week."
The police then asked, "Why did you wait until now to report it?" Well," she said. "I didn't know that I was assaulted until the check bounced."

On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. “Would it be right,” he asked, “for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?”
“Absolutely not!” replied the pastor, disappointed that Frank would even ask such a question.
“In that case,” said the young man, “I wonder if you’d consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July.”

A man had a siamese cat that howled all night, every night. The sleepless man concluded that the cat has too much testosterone and took him to the vet to be castrated. To the great surprise of the man and all his neighbors, the cat continued howling.
"Why are you doing it now?" they asked the cat.
"Now I am a consultant."

The great mathematician John Von Neumann was consulted by a group who was building a rocket ship to send into outer space. When he saw the incomplete structure, he asked, "Where did you get the plans for this ship?"
He was told, "We have our own staff of engineers."
He disdainfully replied: "Engineers! Why, I have complete sewn up the whole mathematical theory of rocketry. See my paper of 1952."
Well, the group consulted the 1952 paper, completely scrapped their 10 million dollar structure, and rebuilt the rocket exactly according to Von Neumann's plans. The minute they launched it, the entire structure blew up. They angrily called Von Neumann back and said: "We followed your instructions to the letter. Yet when we started it, it blew up! Why?"
Von Neumann replied, "Ah, yes; that is technically known as the blow-up problem - I treated that in my paper of 1954."

Jokes :)

Quote of the Day
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

A group of cowboys were branding some cattle. While they were out the cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that nights dinner he cooked it. That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked, "Did I screw up the cooking..."
"No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."

A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time. The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.
The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.
The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, "The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water".

The police have rounded up some suspects for a identification line up for a rape suspect. When the lady walks in to pick out the suspect the guy shouts,"That's her! That's her!"

An artist had been working on a nude portrait for a long time. Every day, he was up early and worked late - bringing perfection with every stroke of his paint brush. As each day passed, he gained a better understanding of the female body and was able to really make his paintings shine.
After a month, the artist had become very weary from this non-stop effort and decided to take it easy for the day. Since his model had already shown up, he suggested they merely have a glass of wine and talk - since normally he preferred to do his painting in silence.
They talked for a few hours, getting to know each other better. Then as they were sipping their claret, the artist heard a car arriving outside. He jumped up and said, "Oh no! It's my wife! Quick, take off your clothes!"

An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".
"Where did you get this exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old."

Jokes :)

Quote of the Day
Happiness: a good bank account, a good cook, and a good digestion.

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"
To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden.
He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A half carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A small head of romaine lettuce, A 2-pound can of coffee, And a 1-pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

A young woman on a rough Atlantic crossing was in her
cabin undressing then suddenly she was overcome by sea
sickness. In a panic she rushed into the corridor and
headed for the bathroom. It was not until she collided
with an elderly gentleman that she realized she didn't
have a stitch of clothing on. Horrified, she let out a
shriek. Her fellow sufferer looked at her sadly.
"Don't let it bother you, miss," he moaned. "I'll never
live to tell anyone."

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

Only in NY

A Jewish man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Israel on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Jewish man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the expense of the Jewish man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan!
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Jewish man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Jewish man replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Jokes :)

of the Day
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?"
"They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the guard replied.
"And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?"
"The same exact thing," the guard answered.
"Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?"
"Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!"

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional. The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money", he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "Hey, watch it - I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

A guy was driving down the road in his Yugo during a thunder storm, when his windshield wiper broke. He drives until he comes to an auto body shop.
He goes into the shop, walks up to the counter and says, "Excuse me, but could you give me a windshield wiper for my Yugo?" The clerk leans against the counter and thinks for a while. Finally he says, "Sure...that sounds like a fair trade."

Computer sayings, quotes and quotations collection

A computer is like the union, it never works unless you spend money on it.

Artificial intellegence is no match for natural stupidity.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix... Don't drink and derive.

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway.

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog.

To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer.

When all else fails, read the manual.

First we thought the PC was a calculator. Then we found out how to turn numbers into letters with ASCII -- and we thought it was a typewriter. Then we discovered graphics, and we thought it was a television. With the World Wide Web, we've realized it's a brochure.

Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.

Hard Drive: The part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it.

DOS never says : EXCELLENT command or filename.

In a world without borders, who needs Windows and Gates ?

I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem.

Why are so many viruses aimed at windows ? It crashes just fine on its own thank you !

The question of whether computers can think is like the question of whether submarines can swim.

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

Keyboard missing - press F3 to continue.

Jokes :)

Quote of the Day
In America, only the successful writer is important, in France all writers are important, in England no writer is important, and in Australia you have to explain what a writer is.

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Finnegan.

The DA stared at the jury, unable to believe the "not guilty" verdict he'd just heard. Bitterly, he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?"
The foreman answered, "Insanity."
The attorney responded, still incredulous, "I could understand that. . .but - all twelve of you?"

One day a young man about the age of 25 was walking along the sidewalk in the park. Then all of a sudden he looks up from hearing the sound of an old man sobbing.
"What's wrong?" said the young man.
"Well it's nothing really." said the old man.
"It has to be something. Tell me about it" said the young man.
"Well, everyday after I wake up in the morning, me and my wife have wild sex. Then I leave for work" the old man said.
"That's not bad" the young man said.
"Well, when I get home from work, my wife has already finished making lunch for me and her. Then after lunch we have more wild sex." the old man said.
"That's not bad at all. There's no reason why you should be sobbing." said the young man.
"When we finish making love, I go back to work at my second job. Then i come home and by that time, my wife is finished making supper. Then we eat and have wild sex again through out the night." the old man said.
"If you are having sex all day, then why so glum?" the young man said.
Then the old man finally says why he is so glum, "I forgot where I live!"

Boss: "You got your hair cut on company time."
Susie: "It grew on company time."
"Not all that hair."
"I didn't get it all cut."

Jokes :)

Quote of the Day
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

A young couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation soon came to Mozart, "Absolutely brilliant…lovely…oh, a fine fellow…a genius, Mozart was."
The woman, wanting to get in on the conversation remarked, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. It was just this morning that I saw him getting on the No.20 bus going to Erdington."
There was a sudden hush and all eyes were turned toward her. The husband pulled her aside and angrily barked, "We're leaving right now."
In the car on the way home the wife turned to the husband and said, "You’re really mad about something aren't you?" "How could you tell? My goodness! I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No.20 bus to Erdington, huh? Everybody knows that the No.20 Bus doesn't go to Erdington!"

A fellow stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my shoes please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me up here to make love to you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!"
He shouts down the stairs to his friend, "Both of them?"
The reply comes back, "Yes, both of them!"

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

A hospital posted a notice in the nurse's lounge saying: "Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous."
Underneath, a nurse had written: "The last five are pretty risky, too."

Jokes :)

☺ Quote of the Day
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

☺ Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.
"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."
"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."
"You must tell me what you did."
"I went to a faith healer."
"But I've tried that. My husband and I
went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."
The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

☺ One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.
The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

☺ If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there is an exception to every rule.
If we accept "For every rule there is an exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.

☺ A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in
Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, "What if the place is still bugged?"
The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind
the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally,
he says, "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four
screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the
screws, throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the
newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these
questions?"
The hotel manager says, "Well, the couple in the room
UNDER you complained that the chandelier fell on
them."

Jokes :)

☺ A policeman comes to the office with one black shoe and one white shoe. His boss starts to yell at him:
- You are ruining police reputation, go home and change the shoes.
The policeman goes home, and comes back after a while.
- Boss I have a problem, the other pair of shoes at home are black and white, too.

☺ - Santa Claus, one smart and one stupid policeman are walking together when they spot a hundred dollars on the ground. Who will take the money?
- ???
- The stupid policeman, since Santa Claus and the smart policeman don’t exist.

☺ Two policemen are in a patrol car:
- Could you check if the directionals work on your side of the car?
The other policeman looks through the window and says:
- Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no...

☺ On a narrow mountain road a man sees a police car driving uphill backwards.
- Hi guys. Why are you driving backwards?
- Because we are not sure that we will find a place to make a u-turn on the top of the mountain.
After one hour the same man sees the same police car driving downhill backwards again.
- But guys, why are you driving backwards again?
- We found a place to make a u-turn up there.

☺ A policeman sent his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife.
- No darling, we can’t do it here, our kid is watching us.
- You are right, lets go to the beach.
After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks in on them.
- Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can’t do that in public.
- You are right - said the husband - but I had a moment of weakness. We didn’t see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me.
- Don’t worry, you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it.

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